This morning, as I sat in a class/meeting on officially becoming members of the church we have been going to, I had an interesting self-realization that led me to the idea that maybe we're (the greater "we") hurting our kids with religion more than we are helping them.
I was raised Catholic. Ideas about religion and faith were presented as "this is what we believe". Everything was pretty black and white. I can only imagine that the religion worked for my folks. They never once gave me the idea that anything else was acceptable. "This is what we believe" or you're wrong was pretty solidly the impression I got.
Now I am a grown woman. Sometimes I feel as if I have at least two personalities. The me I show to the world, and then that insecure me that few people see. The insecure one is the larger of the two, but she has so freaking many insecurities, paranoia(s) and phobias that darned few people get to see her. And even then, if I let people see all of my insecurities I fear they will lock me up and throw away the key. Sometimes I think maybe they should.
So, all this comes together when I realized this morning that Catholicism never worked for me. I remember making my first communion (age 7) thinking that the whole thing was more that a little weird. How was this not cannibalism? (really, Catholics believe that it is actually the body and blood of Christ wrapped up in a little miracle each week just for them). And I just didn't believe it. As I grew up and learned more, went though more and more of their rights of initiation, the more I felt like I was drowning. I didn't believe this crap for an instant--and there was no way out. We lived across the street from our church and the school associated with it. EVERYONE I knew was catholic. I didn't dare ask anyone else if they didn't believe. I just knew that even though I wanted to believe, I just couldn't. As soon as I could get out, I did. But I realized this morning that I carry a whole world of insecurities simply because I grew up not believing in God the "right" way.
Shortly after we started attending the church we do, I had an "ah-ha" moment: your church shouldn't define who you are or what you believe, your church should help you express what is already in your soul. And as much as I love my new church, I vow to be open to the idea that maybe this isn't the place where my children feel they belong as adults. And don't get me wrong, I will make them go to church, but I will never teach them that every other church and faith is wrong. Because just like I knew I didn't believe in Catholicism, I do believe that God has a place for every faith.
This morning I figured out why I carry so many insecurities. Now that I know why, it's time to start finding ways to dump them. Thanks
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